


I Wish I Knew What I Had Before I Lost You

by hecacs



Series: to all the boys I couldn't keep [2]
Category: bts, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Confession, M/M, Moving On, hoping for another chance, jinkook - Freeform, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:53:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29670321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hecacs/pseuds/hecacs
Summary: The second out of 6, this is for you: Jeon Jungkook.
Relationships: Jeon Jungkook/Kim Seokjin | Jin
Series: to all the boys I couldn't keep [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2180271
Kudos: 7





	I Wish I Knew What I Had Before I Lost You

I love you. I really do. I was scared to lose you, Jeongguk. I love you to the point that I would jump from a high cliff and would be willing to fall into my demise just so I could save you. I had you in my arms back then. We fit so perfectly well, don't you think so? It was you and me against the world and without a doubt, we were sure with each other. God, I can still hear your voice calling out to me at night and I dream of you and me in random adventures with the same smile and the sweet voice that sings to me at night when I can't chase the demons away on my own. When I press my fingers on my skin, I swear, I can feel your fingers and your lips on it; the ones that creep up slowly until they find their way back to my lips and my arms around you and I forgot what it felt like being alone. I forgot what life was like without you and now that I am once again on my own after 7 years, it all feels so empty. No words could express how painful it is to step outside of our bedroom into the apartment and all I see are silhouettes of us, doing things together. There are ghosts of us, playing and dancing; singing and turning; and so much more that I can't bear to look. But when I finally breathe and see, not with my heart, but with my eyes, I see nothing.

There is no more you. There is no more us. There is no more. Nothing. There is nothing and all that's left is me and the heart that once beat for you, rot away in my chest. They said that the first few times would be hard for me, considering the fact that we've been together for so long. They told me about DABDA, the five stages of grief and I've been doing that process on repeat yet nothing seems to pull me out. Everybody told me about how painful the passing days would be on my own but nobody told me about what it would take to break myself to set me and my heart free. Jesus Christ, Jeongguk, it hurts so much. Even water burns at the back of my throat just when I think of you. Turning and squirming in bed when I reach out to touch nothing but soft silk sheets and a light indentation of where your body should be; beside mine. I still feel so lonely despite this apartment being cramped with all my equipment and tools. Some have said they have never saw you happier. Some have said they've never saw you sadder. I don't know what to believe but all I know is that your eyes tell everything they should know.

In another life, I would make you stay. I don't know what happened to us or how I lost you. I don't know what I did to make you leave or maybe you chose to leave me on your accord. Funny enough, in the haze of joy and unbeatable good sex; graceful dancing and walking on tightropes, I never thought for one day that I could ever lose you and now, all I think about is how I did. I can't replace you nor do I want to. I wish I've been more outspoken about how I feel about the both of us, Jeongguk. I'm still hoping that you'll come right through that door and call for my name and I'll get to hug you; give you the tightest hug ever until you can't breathe and I'll cry because finally, you're home and I feel like I am at peace with myself and we could stay there for minutes or even hours, just holding the one that feels like home.

I wish it was dream when it actually wasn't. I'm still hoping. I'm still praying. I'm still wishing, Jeongguk.

Come home, please. Come back home.

_To me._

**Author's Note:**

> hope you loved it!


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